1. |
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These hands seem so useless,
these steps have no purpose,
this mouth can't even speak,
these arms refuse to hold you.
White plastic clings to her hands,
bathes four walls that swallow its residents.
Breathing sets its own pace.
My blood flows patiently through my veins,
as propping open my eyelids becomes my sole purpose.
There is a comfort in giving in.
Dividing my skin with a brushstroke
only to slowly stitch it back together.
Ribs spread like wings.
An untouched landscape appears in front of her.
The decision of being helpless.
The surgery’s complete, but the results still unknown.
Aching persists though the bruising is gone.
A different pain is still pain.
And sometimes at night I miss the old aches.
Tonight I will hold my breath until I fall asleep
so I can feel the operating table
and believe I’m in the right hands.
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2. |
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J: Your cracking fingers sprawl across your mother's kitchen tablecloth like all the paths you had to pave, when you were young. When you were my age. I once found comfort in whispering on my knees, I believed every locked door had a perfect fitting key, but perceived, as I advanced through this hallway these doors remain shut. Before my hope can speak a voice interrupts, "Life is but a timeline, an abstraction of feeling a glass room beneath god with an unbreakable ceiling. Simplified existence leave no lives contrasting: living, breathing, living, breathing, gasping."
Justin: I clench my fists and teeth, my footsteps make a beat... I scream my insecurity, even I am unsure of me.
...And what is another person in a sea of so many? I am alone, and I am afraid.
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3. |
Side A - Numerals
05:03
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Justin: Today I feel a lot less like a person. And more like a number on a page. A statistic typed up and thrown away. 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Everything I did, Everything I've done...
I can't see straight and you avert your eyes. I'll feel different by sunrise.
J: As the day approaches evening, your eyes are still fleeting.
Coursing through the rivers in my wrists, peeling paint but the walls just persist...
...to encroach around my neck and endure the next moments when I should be breathing, could be seeing, I'm still seeking answers in these ruins I helped create, monuments that I forsake.
Now this dust is caked beneath my ribs, taut flesh sleeps beneath my skin.
But I've been sleeping too, wading through these bodies, when I should be swimming, could be living, but I've been giving in to giving up, to folding in, as my hands safely approach no one, but I will look onward, keep my eyes locked straight ahead, bathe in the irises I'd previously fled because I have tasted life, while my father chews on death, can't I learn to enjoy what he must start to ingest?
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4. |
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Justin: Well call me a sailor, cause I'm floating away, and I'm drifting away, and you won't see my face at your door, passed out on the floor, or vomit in public and embarrass your friends.
That's me on the water, on my own little island and you won't ever see me again. No I'm not coming back.
Well the moons gotten full, and the tides on the rise, and my heart is the driftwood lost long ago...
and thinking of you is like a shiver of sharks, that gnaw at the wood, and unhinge these nails of whats keeping me together.
J: This salty water has been stained across my lips, and when I move in to forget you, she can taste you in our kiss. But suddenly, I'm struggling to keep my own two feet under me. This water's deep and now I'm swallowing, these same tears that are following, our footprints on the shore.
This salty water!
Some nights I still get seasick, but every night it still makes me sick, that the only reason I rest is my floating body, my hollowed out chest.
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5. |
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J:
I’ve been scraping black tar off your eyelids, exchanging your feelings for silence, waiting for your teeth to clench the moment when you realize what I meant. I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and you’re pleading from the bottom of your heart. And I’ve fallen down before, but I’d never fell apart.
When you find yourself surrounded by the ones you love the most your brain spills out and crams the skull full of those old ghosts. Do they haunt you, like they haunt me? Were you ever really listening to the words that crept through my teeth? I guess I’ll never know. Closed eyes lead to open mouths, and from the inside looking out, it looks a lot like we’re still waiting to start to forget.
The moment you held my hand was the second I held my breath, and the things I miss the most are the things I never said. As your fingers drip down my spine, your breath is apart of mind, but maybe I’m selfish, and you can’t sleep tonight. We scrawl our plans on documents that dissolve into the earth. You can sleep in the city. I will sleep in the dirt.
Justin:
I can’t remember who I used to be
and I can’t remember who I was trying to be.
...and I can remember, your face that night, body to body your head rested on mine. And I can recall, that you said we'd talk, but we never did, and we never will.
J:
So I’ll cover myself in graphite, wrap your neck in tin, to remind myself that I will be erased again. I’m chewing on the same things I always am and you’re looking for the same things I could never give.
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6. |
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Justin:
Last night, I saw the stars in your eyes
Last night, I saw them burn out and fade
How do you expect me to carry on,
With a dark sky?
I’ll grab my friends and carry on.
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